The inevitable has happened, and I find myself having to write about bidets. The disclaimer is:
- I know this episode of Wirecutter is strictly about bidet attachments for an existing toilet or full-on Japanese toilets
- I’ve been to Japan, I enjoyed the novelty, and for some time we even had a cheapo toilet attachment from Squatty Potty at home
- Wirecutter’s target audience is some slice of the US population (I was going to say “the average American”, but I don’t think so)
All that said, the discourse around bidets in the United States (I can’t speak for other non-bidet countries) is usually centered on one main thing: imagine how much you’d save in toilet paper if you had a bidet. A corollary to that is the illusion that your privates are just going to get cleaned by applying a gentle stream of water to them. And yes, there is a discourse around bidets.
Because I grew up in a country whose only remaining shred of civilization is the bidet, you can trust me on this: a bidet does not replace toilet paper, and I’m very sorry for your horrified minds, but you’re just gonna have to touch the parts you’re cleaning. (Years ago I had to endure a conversation where my interlocutor tried to explain to me why they thought having a bidet at home was kinda dirty, almost lewd, and I just couldn’t.)
So here’s a conversation that speaks to the wide-eyed parts of the population that act like they’ve never stuck their noses out their back front doors:
DOUG: Where does the term bidet come from?
[…]
DOUG: It is French. So it means “pony” or “small horse.” And the reference to the plumbing fixture is based around the stance that’s needed to use it.
[…]
CAIRA: Wait, because we’re talking about those French bidets that are separate from the toilet, where you —
CHRISTINE: That don’t have a toilet seat, that you just have to squat over?
DOUG: Correct.
CAIRA: It just looks like a really uncomfortable fountain.
CHRISTINE: Yeah, I never got those.
“Those French bidets”, also known as actual bidets. I truly hope this is a scripted show and they’re all playing characters, because, “I never got those”? What’s there to get? You sit on it, you do your thing, and you might even have a nice little towel hanging nearby to dry yourself with. Also, are regular fountains that comfortable to sit on? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Speaking of that little towel: Italian Ikea is trying to be polite about it, and calls it “guest towel”, but give that to your guests to dry their hands, and they will know what that towel was doing just two days ago.
I’ll say this: a good, old-fashioned bidet is one of the best inventions in history. Japan may have invented something that’s conceptually similar and made it high-tech, but you can’t beat the original thing. And I specifically mean the kind you find in all modern Italian bathrooms, equipped with a little faucet, as opposed to older models that either shoot water upward or that absolutely must be filled—the latter being objectively gross. It has multiple affordances that a Washlet will never have, including being of service to a wider variety of private equipment and—hear this—as a foot bath. Imagine not having to take the dreaded half shower, or having to perilously perch on the side of the bathtub while operating the handheld shower head. What, you don’t do that? (And you also think this is TMI? Nobody made you click on a link that was literally about bidets—what did you expect? But believe me, that and washing machines are the biggest topics of conversation among Italians who live abroad, even after years.)
It’s gonna get worse before it gets better.
The episode’s low point is where the “dab-and-go” makes an appearance, and nope, absolutely not—I’m not even going to explain that. As I was listening I started wondering what it may do to entire populations to live the majority of their lives with an itchy butt. It can’t be good, right? It might also explain a thing or two about the state of the world, and not just the United States. (But then I look at Italy and perhaps not having an itchy butt all your life isn’t enough not to get yourself into trouble, as a country.)
In fairness, though, it’s a good episode if you’re in the market for what they’re actually reviewing. Not every bathroom has enough room for an extra fixture, not everyone can afford to rip everything out and add new plumbing on a whim, and I also hear actual bidets are becoming harder to buy in the US. But(t) for the love of the poop emoji, if you can in fact afford a $25k piece o’ fart that you know will break when you most need it (nel momento del bisogno, Italians would say, and you can bet it’s a double entendre), do yourself a favor and have the real thing installed instead.